"We build too many walls and not enough bridges."

a chasing commitment to an aqueous poison our partisan intent the forbidden bitten while change...

Tue, 02 Oct 2012 02:46:07 -0400

a chasing commitment

to an aqueous poison

our partisan intent

the forbidden bitten

while change insinuates

an invisible imposed barrier

sequestering our fates

please keep playing an actor

The temporary constituents

of an apathetically chosen separation

while I manage to assume valiance

and your slogan admits no vindication

Anxiety Attack (to be continued)

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 20:12:21 -0400

This is not a diary. This is not here to help keep track of what I’ve experienced, however much my memories seem to be a drain. Clogged, filled with the lose split ends of my hair I was too lazy to brush. This exists and that is all, like I exist- scared. Did I create this world? Well perhaps in a scientific way, there’s proof. The artist, a creator, through perception.

MUST CHANGE THE FUCKING SUBJECT.

Um… I miss you.. fuck who is “you”? Where are “you”? So I can avoid my existential crisis.

Never mind.

I’m scared to die, I’m sacred my mother is going to die- every day. Without her how could I feel real? She’s the only living proof I have that I came from something concrete. That I just didn’t make my life up and yours.

“1+1=2 , 2+2=4, 4+4=8”

inhale, exhale

My body hurts less now. My vision doesn’t feel so spotted with black circles and blind spots. As if my brain regained proper circulation, not hurting to exercise it, no more pins and needles.

clean start… (Taken with instagram)

Mon, 21 May 2012 15:26:22 -0400

clean start… (Taken with instagram)

Always Unfinished Business

Tue, 08 May 2012 05:43:00 -0400

I started taking pictures recently because I felt no connection to my past. However, as I recollected on them I realized I started to harbor too much nostalgia. I miss him too much as it is without the reminder.

I’ll attempt to find the most comfortable spot I can in my bed but without him my mattress is uneven. Too high on one side from consistent absence and sunken in on the other. It is perhaps a blatant metaphor, he unknowingly balances my extreme personality characteristics.

Besides the reliable empty bed, there is one other consistency I’ve noticed. Right as I train myself to find comfort, I’ll sigh the words “I miss you so much.”

As soon as I wake up, I check all signs that maybe he thought of me. No call, no messages, no notifications. I’ll tread through the list of excuses why he didn’t contact me and why I should contact him- but I never do.

I didn’t believe in it until recently. The way we met accommodated my anxiety. I didn’t stutter and it portrayed extroversion. My nose which typically would have started to feel as if I suddenly had allergies and reaction that looked as if I was snorting something were missing but not missed. There was a five minute gap of time that decided I would meet him, and I didn’t believe in it then either. Every encounter after the very first was not forced. I’ve never ran into someone accidentally so many times. A greeting was never necessary and our eyes somehow always found each other. Even if that’s all it was, it was all I needed to believe in fate.

Note to self:

*insert introversion writing perhaps?*

*to be continued

next topic: timing, hurting heart

Waiting

Sun, 06 May 2012 20:53:47 -0400

Complaints

the service

avoiding

yet expecting

to walk out

pockets full

“I want my check please”

the obvious difference

between the lower classes

one either learns

the force-

ful behavior

and uses it to manipulate

their status

or pure heartily

contemplate the knowledge

creating a stronger bond

between intelligence

and wisdom

remaining un-categorized

growth from within

undefined

by how heavy their pockets are

I wrote this on a napkin.

Sun, 06 May 2012 20:46:00 -0400

He changed his alliance, unrecognized to himself because of his simplicity and inability to derive a sense of responsibility. Apparently I am “too judgmental” according to him. However, he judges me unknowingly believing somehow I just judge everyone around me and forget myself. I’ll tell you what he should say, “you’re so egotistical.” Fits my liking to judge myself more frequently and critically, occasionally pretending to think about others or him.

Proximity is the most crucial factor in his sudden switch in behavior. I could blame myself, for two reasons: obsession and embarrassment I had to force my way out of. However, he was left faking a friendship I had created for him so that I too could intervene. When I disappeared, he spent too much time learning from someone who half asses his relationships. I could have warned him, but bonds were already tightly made from a pseudo-blood line and a charismatic leader.

This new person created a relationship with money, I found the most disappointment in: greed for the sake of being able to “treat” with hope to also be “treated” by others with an expensive bar tab. Money became a guide to manipulation and a sense of entitlement- holding it over our heads because if he needed anything we had to give in. The way he “shared” his wealth, even further alluded to evil. Tempting those around him with the poisonous apple of intoxication. Laughing at his body suffering from alcoholism.

The next relationship is with this liquid substance. Since he was being force fed, at the slightest stop or unavailability he know longer was pleasant to be around. He felt as though alcohol was the only gift worthy of calling a night “fucking awesome.” I couldn’t stomach it like he could, so I never participated. Brainwashed into believing I was no longer a means of having fun.

While the last relationship is one he never wanted to achieve - it’s simply not by the code of being a “man” (quoting man because his definition is distorted). But this last relationship is woven with irony because it is a relationship. Most strictly with love - like most would associate the word relationship with. I’ve tried psychoanalyzing this fear- but all I came up with as my etiology was control. He had to have it. With alcohol as an excuse, he could soothe his appetite for control.

He was taken on as an apprentice, most definitely because he was easy to control. However, this “friend” never took account for proximity. So I’ll always have hope. If he were to become close to a being with great intentions and wisdom. I hope he will embody their ideas of individuality and create his own. I trust in being a follower he will learn to become a leader.

I wonder who didn't love her in the past?

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 03:36:15 -0400

She was tanner than me

and I lived on the sun

craved for attention

when I got none

obvious disinterest in her

but she never heard no

while they caved

in effort to appease

all her desperate pleas

no self worth

no self control

too high self esteem

she’d never realize

her dirty image

she was proud

“I get what I want”

but no one wanted her

because she was self-less

and selfish

too spoiled

to sense their denial

and her angst

from their disapperance

will never disappear

until she washes her face

and shuts her legs

Introvert

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 05:14:02 -0400

I’ve worked on faking extroversion. I’ve received and handed out my number. Genuinely attempted to remember a response is appropriate. My hand went through all the right motions, from the simple gesture of a strong handshake and the typical 90 degree angle leading upward to my mouth- timed perfectly so I was not incoherent. My head, beginning to dizzy, even reminded me to unfold my arms. I even recall the limitation of small talk and the absence of disagreement. I presented myself to be likable and so I was. I could not though refrain from biting my tongue, and although my eyes were contacting theirs, I was not interested. At least not for good enough reasons, perhaps only because her words lingered, “you need to meet people and get out and make friends or you’ll never be happy.” As much as even then I wanted to shove that same run on sentence down her throat, I did it again and bit my tongue, pretending that there was justification in the fact that other people will make me appreciate myself more. Of course, it worked for a split second as soon as a seemingly moderately decent male approached eventually leading to “you’re adorable, we should hangout sometime.” My ego hurt less momentarily, until somehow I talked them down in my head. “They don’t have a job, they don’t go to school, and they’ve just admitted to doing too many drugs.” My thoughts caused my ego extreme whiplash as their approval, attention, and compliments lost their credibility. I knew she probably shouldn’t have held so much credibility, since she was suffering from teenage angst for the last 20 years and despite being of legal age to drink managed to get us kicked out. Belligerent, an alcoholic, and openly loose. Somewhere she had stopped, not just pushed paused, but stopped, with no intention of playing the rest. Yet I accepted her criticism or as she would say “advice” because there was a sense of obligation but mostly confusion. I wanted to bring her to care and to grow with me instead of withering. I needed to understand the reasons why she acted so cowardly towards her future yet did not posses the quality of being a coward with her personal interactions. We both lacked what the other had. I knew, however, I could not progress through the future fixated on possessing her extroversion in the true form because I too would have then ceased.

Going to start using Hello Poetry as well. So if you have one or care to read mine here is my...

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 04:07:29 -0400

Going to start using Hello Poetry as well. So if you have one or care to read mine here is my url:

http://hellopoetry.com/-fara-pizzo/

Everything is invisable planned and processed with an escapble fate that you first must...

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 19:08:00 -0400

Everything is invisable

planned and processed

with an escapble fate

that you first must acknowledge

but yet not over-analyze

to become dizzy with detachment

however, for many

they need the created direction

but they forget it exists

using force

while my feet are inclined

(to do so)

I’ll reach the same destination

I promise

New glasses.. and since Droid has instagram now you might start...

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 01:02:21 -0400

New glasses.. and since Droid has instagram now you might start seeing more of me o.0 (Taken with Instagram at The Edge)

I’ve grown out of feeling instant connections the sinking in your chest fixating your eyes and...

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 04:12:00 -0400

I’ve grown out of feeling

instant connections

the sinking in your chest

fixating your eyes

and recording all their sounds

I’ve lost it

to time

it’s diminished

minutes gone

because of time

I’ve lost you

along with this feeling

because our timing is off

if fate were to exist

I would already know you

and neither of us

would have been

hesitant and confused

carrying baggage

armor and weaponry

to a playground

I'll bet you're closer to the culprit than you think.

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 23:13:20 -0500

Probablyyy… but who are you?

To be continued eventually.

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 02:35:00 -0500

My insecurities, derived from what I thought others would say about me. I could not hear their whispers loud enough to be certain, assuming only horrible things would be kept secret. A soft “F” sound was an overheard certainty, triggering a peripheral glance and suddenly I believed I had super sonic hearing. Despite my lack of self-esteem, I still was under the impression I knew precisely what every human being was thinking. I developed a severe misconception for denying individuality. Again, I can only assume It was because I saw myself as nothing special, like everyone else. Therefore, everyone must be internalizing the same beliefs I had about myself. It’s almost egotistical. Scratch that, it’s disgustingly egotistical.

Children, I am literally talking about children, even though most adults like myself still behave in such a fashion that resembles their tiny being, tenaciously think through their eyes and disregard the idea of filtering their spoken words. Similar to a dog, it sees something it has to bark. Did the dog for one second consider, “hey maybe this growling noise is frustrating to the person who keeps me healthy each day”? No, they are purely instinctual. So perhaps, young humans malfunctioning empathy could be my scapegoat. They’re innocent ridicule, the destroyer of my confidence.

This slight scrape of childhood, however, presented itself not to be consciously prevalent. Instead, it manifested into a masochistic desire to attain some of the most inherently evil adults as lovers. I knew they had no idea of love and had not even the slightest motivation to acquire it. This was not a bat of ignorance, but pure stupidity. Frozen to an idea, their obvious venal personalities fixed in my psyche, that I was not capable of deserving more. The secret of the success of their malicious yet unsubstantiated goal was indecisiveness. Their unpredictable behavior could not be processed through a mind so set on control to the point of releasing the anxiety of not knowing what others thought by postulating that everyone was synonymous to herself.

Sinking with closed eyes picturing the glossy paper outlining with intent to mimic selling the...

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 06:15:53 -0500

Sinking with closed eyes

picturing the glossy paper

outlining with intent to mimic

selling the perfect

narrowing body image

portraying those who would sacrifice

greening plastic

sneaking ambient drops

liquefying friendships

for a breath

unfinished thought...too tired

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 04:21:16 -0500

I forgot how to speak

somewhere in between

being afraid

and never being able to spell

so I learned to talk

myself out and into things

learning to stick up

without being stuck up

I feel like this whole SOPA and PCIP bullshit was just Lamar S. Smith trying to propose...

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 03:09:32 -0500

I feel like this whole SOPA and PCIP bullshit was just Lamar S. Smith trying to propose something utterly ridiculous to make Obama look bad because he know’s Americans are dumb enough to blame congresses bills on the president or every problem with government. Hrmm.. and in an election year.. and he happens to be a republican.. seems odd. Prove me wrong. I mean he would be only tricking those who go and vote who aren’t informed or well educated. I wish I knew the stats on that.

They say the great die young.. but the only reason we recognize them at all or that they were great...

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 15:40:00 -0500

They say the great die young.. but the only reason we recognize them at all or that they were great was because they died and it triggered some emotional response either possessively that you want them in your life or it reminded you of your own eventual demise. To which we seek an answer to questions that are scientifically impossible to answer (when and why and what will happen?). Those who are obsessed will gravitate to religion.. which ironically will tell you not to believe in the theory of gravity. Other’s will suppress their anxiety and pretend they cannot die until death shoves it’s existence in their faces and all that was buried arises through panic and substance abuse to forget again even if just briefly. I float somewhere in the middle of the death continuum. Choosing mostly to ignore it but in emergencies I’ll need the answer privately convincing myself that a God exists because I know being forced to forget the anxiety through drugs brings me closer to a death I want so badly to get away from.

The warmth no need for a blanket the agonizing perspiration from trying too persistently to get your...

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 13:26:51 -0500

The warmth

no need for a blanket

the agonizing perspiration

from trying too persistently

to get your attention

when my cheeks turned red

not from embarassment

but from the lack of heat

your arm intuitively

spoke

answering my next question

but you had to leave

perhaps you gained forsight

that I wouldn’t need your cover

till next winter

or undoubtably

you brought the cold to me

Hell is a paradox if evil loves evil why does he torture them in a fiery solitude when behavior is...

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 02:16:00 -0500

Hell is a paradox

if evil loves evil

why does he torture them

in a fiery solitude

when behavior is relinquished

through punishment

and learned through rewards

but his image would not stand

and the devil would dissipate in intentions

so hell is over populated

with those who never change

from their mistakes and bad habits

a masochistic desire

chaining themselves

willing

to the train tracks

only further falsifying

the negativity

that we are slaves to fate

when our perception

is our true reality